I’m cramping. And crying. Not because of my cramps, no. Even though they’re fucking ridiculous for this time of night when I have to be up in a few hours. I’m crying because I’m tired of moving. Just when things start to get good. Or at least OK. I’m tired. It always happens. I’ve lost so many friends. Haven’t been able to follow through on so many promises that I feel like giving up. Because I know they gave up on me. I miss them. I miss all of them. From every school. From every hometown. Yeah life goes on shit happens, fuck that. Life has dealt me one of the most complicated hands. And I always want to fold. There are always things at risk. Always. Big things. Jobs, schools, friendships, relationships. I don’t want to rebuild anymore of those things. I don’t want to start over. I have to say I like meeting new people or its easy for me because its all I’ve ever done. I just miss you all. Lauren Lee, my first best friend. The first friends house I ever went to. We never saw anything wrong with rainbows. Andrea Wiley. My second best friend. We cried over the dumbest things together. We were supposed to go from taper elementary to Dodson middle school. I was so excited. My mom left me. I moved to live with my dad. Vanessa Flores. My running partner in middle school. The only school where I stayed all the years. I never found you. I’m still looking. High school, ha the first two years I’ve found most of you. We’re trying to act like I never left, but we’ll never be as close. Then there’s rosemead. It took me almost a year to let anyone in. It was too hard for me. Amber Lu. Olga chinchilla. Matthew duron. Aimee west. And some others which would’ve been relevant if I gave them the chance to be. You were always so nice to me. Thanks a lot. I don’t have the personality that I used to. I was happy. I used to always smile and laugh. And over time, it just went away. I’m at the age where I think who would I invite to my wedding that isn’t family. Who can I talk to who knows enough history on me where I didn’t have to backtrack. Who is my best friend now. People always say they don’t need friends. It must roll off the tongue real easy when you can chose which ones you have and which ones you don’t want. If it were up to me I’d have all of them. No matter what. I didn’t lose the. Because of who I was or something I did. I unwillingly lost contact and couldn’t keep up. I’d just like to know if anyone felt the need to find me too. Or am I just wasting my time. I know it was never my fault but I’m so sorry. I don’t want to do this now. I never wanted to. I always lose. Always.
March 2011
i just saw under the, unnecessary why does it exist, people you may know section, the face of my worst enemy in high school. she always made fun of me for no particular reason, when everyone she associated with was cool with me. i know for a fact now that she was jealous of the, unwanted, attention i would get from the guys in our classes. i never let her get to me that bad to where i said anything to her remotely insecure short, despicable self, But i have to admit that i was very happy to never have to see her ridiculous label whorish face again after leaving in the 10th grade. Ashley Hale, you tried to make my life a living hell for no reason at all. Ive never done anything to you, and i hope that in the near future, something, not physically, but emotionally fatal happens to you. i believe in karma, and for some reason, hope it already has happened, so i dont have to be this evil person. i know alot of people may have liked you, but i didnt. and i still dont. choke.
